Gun Play - repost

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Several months ago I wrote my opinions on Gun Play. It’s been on my mind since the Newtown shooting and I’ve been struggling with whether I really do accept that gun play is an important part of a child’s play.

Last week we got together with some dear family friends and one of the children brought a pretend gun into their play. I immediately tensed up and had to resist the urge to shut down their imaginative scenario. I had to remind myself that our kids have no idea what happened in Newtown; my reaction is based on the horror of reality, while their play comes from a place of innocence. I do not want my strongly negative, emotional reaction to interfere with their natural, innocent play,  but… I can’t let go of what guns mean to me.

Because I think this topic is on many parents’ minds, I thought I’d repost some thoughts from my original post.

Generally speaking, children play what they need to play in order to process their world. Most children are exposed to guns through a variety of sources, such as t.v., movies, the news, other children, and toys. Some children have parents who have to keep guns in their home because of their job, and children of military families are exposed to guns, especially if they live on a base. Whether we like it or not, guns are very present in our lives. It makes sense that children need to process this aspect of life and doing so through play is healthy.

I think it is important to also keep in mind that gun play doesn’t have the same meaning to children as it does to adults. I am horrified at the idea of my five-year-old going around pretending to shoot people. But that is based on thirty some years of experience and a mature understanding of murder and death. To a five-year-old, it is nothing more than an escalated version of tag.

As far as allowing it in my home, I follow the guidelines Katherine’s teacher uses in his classroom. I try to be aware of the effect gun play is having on the children playing it and the children nearby who are not playing it. If someone feels threatened, I intervene, but if no one feels threatened, I’ll let it go. When I do intervene, I’ll tell the gun player that the gun may not be pointed at people and I’ll try to redirect the play. Often I’ll suggest they hunt a dragon or some wild beast in the forest. Sometimes I’ll turn their pretend gun into a pretend water squirter and request that they cool me down. This usually works, but I have it easy because the girls usually lose interest pretty quickly anyway.

For parents whose children don’t lose interest so easily, I think it is possible to embrace the need for gun play. One parent I know enrolled the whole family in archery lessons. Every weekend they went into the woods together to practice their skills. They enjoyed shooting targets out in nature in a safe and healthy way. I think this approach is brilliant - it treated her son’s need and desire for gun play positively and with respect, and it brought the whole family into it in a way they could all enjoy.

As with any issue, parents need to find their own comfort level while considering their individual children. One child may really need gun play, while another child may be stuck in a gun play rut to the point of missing out on other important kinds of play. One child may play guns in a way that negatively affects others while another child may play in a way that is non-threatening. How a parent decides to deal with gun play is personal, and may change with time as the child changes.

I have to say, though, despite my views that gun play is generally ok, I still bristle every time it comes home. It will probably always be difficult for me to balance my knowledge of guns and their role in society with the need my kids have to process their world through play.

I would love to hear your thoughts and approach to gun play. How do you handle it in your home?

Christmas Gift

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Welcome to my Christmas gift! I asked Dave for threaded comments, and with them I got a new, clean, uncluttered design. There may be a few more changes to come, Dave says he's not quite done. 

We had a quiet Christmas. We enjoyed a few of our old traditions -- fondue dinner on Christmas Eve, reading favorite Christmas books, Christmas Tree decorating (small hands rearranging the ornaments daily), and a Christmas Day hike; and a few new traditions -- sledding(!), snowshoeing, and dessert with neighbors.

I'm going to take a few more days off, to give my eyes a nice, long break from the computer screen and let Dave finish his redesign. I'm looking forward to your comments and now I can reply to each one individually!

Happy New Year!

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A Little Goodness

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We received an article from Katherine’s school titled, “How Do I Find and Create Goodness for My Children” (by Susan Weber of Sophia’s Hearth Family Center) to help us parents deal with difficult times or events in the presence of our children. It offers the following advice:

Take a walk, find your way into nature, hold deep in memory the most recent good thing we have encountered. Begin and end your day with a gratitude for the good in our lives - however challening this may feel at moments…and see if, step by tiny step, you can rediscover, in difficult times, that the world is truly good.

There are many good things in life, and one of them arrived in the mail yesterday. Every year for as long as I can remember, my Aunt and Uncle have sent our family a box of Christmas cookies. When I moved into my own place, I was surprised that first Christmas to receive my own box - and every year since a box of cookies has appeared a few weeks before Christmas. It is one of my favorite things about the holidays and it is connected to many good memories.

I’m not sure cookies are exactly what Susan Weber has in mind when she refers to the wonder and miracles of the universe, but they represent something good in the world, and I’m holding that deep in my memory this week. 

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Holding Newtown in my thoughts

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After Friday, I tried to write down some of my thoughts, hoping it would help me process what happened, if that is even possible. I’m not sure this is the right place for them, but if nothing else, they mark a pause for the families of Newtown.

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When I heard there had been another school shooting, my first instinct was to reject it, to hold my ears the way a child would to keep the information out. But of course I couldn’t and the expected range of emotions flooded my mind as I tried to assimilate the news. Unable to tolerate even a hint of any one emotion, I involuntarily shut each one down before it took hold and overwhelmed me. A protective reflex. I tried to bring up words to describe how I felt in hopes of grounding myself in rational thought, channeling the emotion into a format I could process. But there are no words… the ones that I came up with were hopelessly shallow, cliché. It’s better to be silent.

Today I went Christmas shopping with my older daughter, my 6-year-old. We’ve been planning this outing for a week. As we walked to town, she skipped and trotted and talked my ear off with her ideas for presents for her sisters. The air was chilly, the sky a piercing blue. I squinted against the bright winter sun, feeling both irritated and reassured that it rose on schedule today. I want life to pause to let the devastation sink in; instead I am numbly propelled forward as the day continues at its usual pace, unaware.

Like every other parent who did not lose a child yesterday, I am grateful that my children are safe and sound, sleeping in their beds. But I also feel intense relief that it wasn’t my town, my school, my family. It is appropriate to be grateful for the safety and health of one’s own children, but to feel relief that it was someone else’s? As I sort through the guilt of voicing that statement, I recognize an acceptance and helplessness that it will be someone’s child. In that acceptance, I go on with life knowing the horror of this particular instance will fade; in that helplessness, I live every day with the fear that at some point it might be my child, and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

I know people will pause for as long as they can, but time will sweep us back into the norm, mercifully, rightfully, allowing us to heal. But with healing comes acceptance, and we should never accept that a gunman murdered 20 children. No matter how well time relieves us of this intense grief, we should never give in to the acceptance.

Mind Jar

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People tend to either love glitter or hate glitter. I fall in the “love” glitter camp. I have always loved glitter, and if I ever broke out of my brown/beige/black/gray and sometimes navy blue wardrobe, I would wear things with glitter. I wouldn’t even mind glitter all over my house, the mere sight of something sparkly makes me happy. But not everyone here feels that way, so I don’t get to have glitter around as much as I might want. However, Katherine agrees with me that glitter is wonderful, so we made Mind Jars for her birthday party favors. Mind jars are perfect. The glitter is contained but as beautiful as ever. I now have one sitting on my desk.

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The idea is that when a child (or adult) needs a few minutes to calm down, he/she takes the jar, shakes it up, and watches the glitter sparkle and swirl until it settles at the bottom. 

We’ve used the Mind Jar twice this week to help calm a child. The other day, Katherine was frustrated and impatient with her sister, who admittedly was getting in the way. I could hear the escalating unkindness between them (read: Katherine was about to get really mad), so I had her go up to her room with the Mind Jar, sit on her bed, shake it up, watch it, and come down ready to play when all the glitter had settled. It worked! She happily went up to her room, and came back down five minutes later, calm and relaxed, ready to play.

Today, Dave used it with Clara who was having a tantrum of unknown origin. He sat down with her and the mind jar (probably not wise to let a tantruming child go off on her own with a glass jar) and had her shake it. Clara wasn’t all that interested in watching it, but she did want to hold it. So Dave told her she could hold it and keep it stirred up until she was ready to let it calm down. When she was ready to let it settle, she was also settled. As we say, she had found her calm.

So… novelty effect or magic solution?

Mind Jars are easy to make: mix glitter glue and hot water in a jar, you can add extra glitter if you think it needs more. 

Gift Guide: Hailstones and Halibut Bones

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Here is another book my kids love: Hailstones and Halibut Bones. As it states on the cover, it is best described as “Adventures in Poetry and Color.” It is a collection of Mary O’Neill’s poems about colors, illustrated by John Wallner. Katherine and Clara love for us to read from this book before bed, and we usually let them each pick one color. 

The last poem in the book gives a nice summary of what the color poems express.

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And because I can’t chose which color poem I love best, I’ll share “White.”

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This book would make a perfect gift for anyone of any age. 

Compassion Parenting

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The other day I was out and about with Clara and Alexandra. At the check out counter in a store, a man observed Clara helping me unload our basket, while Alexandra watched from the Ergo. He asked Clara if she was the big sister. “No,” replied Clara. “Katherine is the big sister.”

It dawned on me that Clara may not appreciate her position in the middle. From my point of view, coming from a two-sibling family, she occupies the fortunate place as both big sister and little sister. What could be better?!  But to her, she may be neither. She does not hold the “big sister” title, and she has lost her place as the youngest, a displacement that coincides with her natural transition from toddler and girl.

As is typical of age three, she is now more little girl than toddler, though she still switches between the two regularly, seeking more independence, but not quite ready to let go of the benefits of a close attachment to me. One moment she wants to do it by herself, like Katherine, the next she is Alexandra, crawling on the floor. In the midst of this transition, as I remember well from Katherine’s third year, she is making sure we know it is still our job as parents to take care of her and keep her safe. She is testing us. Constantly. 

But of course it is very different than it was the first time around. With Katherine, I was coming off a beautiful first two years during which I had the time, energy, and patience to parent exactly as I pleased, with no distractions or competing factors. This time, I am also caring for a 5-year-old and an infant. I find myself addressing Clara’s behavior as I would Katherine’s, offering a consequence that is too complex for a three-year-old; or not following through with an appropriate consequence because I am mid diaper change. 

It’s no wonder, then, why Clara continues to slam the door, or draw on the furniture with crayon, or throw her food on the floor. She is looking to me for a solid, direct response, an “I see you and I am here to take care of you” response.

Removed from the situation, I know exactly how I would like to address her actions: age-appropriate consequences communicated calmly, kindly, and firmly. But in the moment I struggle to suppress the frustration, the Why can’t you just response that is so easy to throw out in the midst of the chaos. I let frustration overrule compassion. And Clara calls me on it, slamming the door again, even harder, then smiling at me for good measure.

Compassion. The key sentiment in effective parenting. When I take a moment to step back and slow down (doesn’t it always come back to slowing down?) I see Clara’s behavior in all its three-year-old charm. I feel pride in her mischievous grin as she blatantly disobeys. I admire her sense of humor as she teases Katherine. And I feel compassion for her place between being baby and girl, little sister and big sister. Suddenly, I am connected to her again, and no matter what she does, she’s just doing what all three-year-olds are supposed to do. She’s making sure I am parenting her.

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A Waldorf Birthday Celebration

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Seventeen children sit in little wooden chairs, their cheeks rosy from the cold outside. Muffled sounds of feet shuffling and chairs creaking warm the room as they fidget and settle into their places, but no one talks. They are waiting for the birthday celebration to begin. The teacher walks Katherine into the classroom, gently wraps a white silk around her shoulders, and begins the birthday story. 

A big angel and a little angel are playing catch with a ball. The big angel throws the ball, but the little angel misses it, and the ball falls through the clouds, leaving a hole for the little angel to look through. Peeking down through the clouds, the little angel sees Earth. She realizes her work in the houses of the stars is done. She is ready to go to Earth. The big angel travels with the little angel around the world in search of her parents. They see a family in a cold, wintry land; They look very nice, but they are not my parents, says the little angel. They see a family in the cobbled streets of Paris; They look very nice, but they are not my parents, says the little angel. They see a family in the hot sun, on a beach by the sparkling blue ocean; They look very nice, but they are not my parents, says the little angel. The little angel begins to feel sad that she has not found her parents. But then, the big angel and little angel see a mom and a dad waiting for their child, and the little angel recognizes them right away as her parents. The big angel removes the little angel’s wings and carefully sets them aside; she will need them again when she is done on Earth. The little angel happily crosses over the Rainbow Bridge into the arms of her loving parents. Her name will be Katherine. 

Katherine walks across the rainbow silk laid out in the middle of the circle and sits in her chair in between us and her two sisters. Her face is bright with joy. The teacher lights five candles as we share a memory from each year of her life.

When Katherine was born… We snuggled her into the wrap and went for long walks around the capitol.

When Katherine was one… She loved to help dad make pizza, kneading the dough and shaping it into a ball, then flattening it into a crust.

When Katherine was was two… She enjoyed outings to the Botanic Gardens where she played in the children’s garden, splashing in the fountains.

When Katherine was three… She and her sister played together, Katherine can make Clara laugh better than anyone else.

When Katherine was four… She went on a special mother-daughter trip to Boston to visit Auntie M. She got to ride the T.

When Katherine was five… She loved swimming with her friend in the pool.

And now Katherine is six. A happy birthday song.

Happy birthday, happy birthday, we love you.

Happy birthday, happy birthday, hope your dreams come true.

When you blow out the candles, there is one that stays aglow.

That’s the one that’s in your heart wherever you may go.

Happy birthday, happy birthday, we love you.

Katherine opens the gift from her teachers, a yellow felted sack with six marbles. She walks around the circle, showing each of her classmates her new treasures. The children admire the marbles and point out their favorites. Then it is time for the birthday snack of fruit salad, whipped cream, and walnuts.

It was a perfect celebration. A roomful of children listening intently, quietly, to the birthday story, sharing in Katherine’s joy as she traveled around the circle and across the bridge to her family. The wonder and beauty the teachers create is just as it should be for our five - now six - year old.

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Gift Guide: Shooting Stars

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I am not a crafty person (in either skill or desire). I tend to like the idea of making things more than the reality of it. But every once in a while I’ll come across a project I think I can handle and give it a try… and sometimes it turns out.

My latest project has been shooting stars and they have been a big hit. Katherine made one in her kindergarden class last year, which is where I got the idea (and if a five-year-old can make it, then that usually means I can too). They are great for birthday party favors, and they would make a perfect stocking stuffer. 

Here is my attempt at a tutorial.

Step 1: Gather materials (two felt circles and a star, 3-4 strands of ribbon, split peas, needle and thread).

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Step 2: Sew star onto one cirlce

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Step 3: Sew two circles together (inside out) leaving a 1-2 inch opening; tack ribbons to circle at opening

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Step 4: Turn right side out and fill with split peas

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Step 5: Sew together

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Quick and easy!

You can also leave off the ribbons and just make bean bags. My kids love to fill bags with bean bags - I think they like the weight. There must be something about hauling around a heavy bag that is satisfying.

Perspective

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Monday came and went and it was nothing to worry about. The tension of waiting has dissolved and a bad day is once again defined by trivial inconveniences, the cat throwing up on our bed, running out of coffee beans, a tantrum about getting dressed. But I am not rolling my eyes “at how worked up I let myself get” and I will not simply “go back to my old life.” My perspective has changed.

Head over to Mamalode to read the rest… a little follow up to Most likely, it’s nothing.

Gift Guide & Give Away!

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A few years ago our friend Emily gave Katherine this placemat for her birthday. (I should note here that every year I ask Emily what she is planning to get for her kids, then I copy her)

The next year, we ordered several more for Christmas. The kids love the artwork and often spend those last few minutes before dinner is served absorbed (and quiet!) in the scenes. Plus, the placemats are easy to clean and, two years later, they are still as good as new. 

This year, Natasha (the artist) and I are hosting a giveaway. To enter, leave a comment with one of your favorite holiday traditions. On December 1st, I will randomly select two winners to receive one of Natasha’s placemats.

Here are some of her other designs:

If you would like to place your own order, you can email Natasha at: tashebe79 at yahoo dot com.

Not-so-sweet pecan pie

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Have I mentioned that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? I love our family’s traditions - cooking and baking, a long walk, dinner with family and friends, a fire in the fireplace, and multiple desserts, including pumpkin pie, which my mom and I enjoy again for breakfast the next morning. I love that it is a national holiday, but not a religious holiday, that centers around family, food, reflection, and thankfulness. Also, no gifts. 

This year I’m in charge of the pecan pie. After pumpkin pie, pecan is my favorite, but I admit I don’t really like the super sugary, gooey variety. So I have modified the standard recipe that calls for corn syrup and sugar, and replaced them with a little maple syrup and dark chocolate (because everything is better with chocolate anyway). It keeps the pecan-ness of the pie, complimented by chocolate, so that those of us who can’t handle the high sugar load can enjoy it.

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Recipe

1 cup pecans, toasted and ground until smooth

4 eggs

2/3 cup maple syrup

3 tablespoons butter

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 cup (whole or halved) pecans

Dark chocolate chips (1/3 -1/2 cup)

Pie crust

Whisk eggs and maple syrup. Add melted butter, vanilla, and ground pecans. Sprinke chocolate chips on bottom of pie crust. Place (whole or halved) pecans on top of chips, covering botton of crust. Pour filling on top. Bake at 350 for 40 minutes, then reduce heat to 325 and bake about 40 minutes more until filling is set.

Rocker Board

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[Part of a mini-series on gifts for the holidays]

Santa brought this rocker board for the girls last year.

I’d say it gets more play than anything else in our home. In addition to the wild rocking across the room, here are some of the ways the kids play with (on) it.

I’ve also seen it used as a boat, puppet show stage, wall for a house, seesaw, cradle, checkout counter at a grocery store, and car racing track/jump. The possibilities are endless. 

It makes a great gift, and because kids of all ages will enjoy it, it can be the gift, as in, one gift for all kids. What could be better?!

We got ours through Bella Luna Toys, a wonderful store with beautiful, natural toys. (Also a great place to send relatives during the holiday season!)