Favorite Saying #5

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

My dad has been saying this for as long as I can remember. It isn't related to children or parenting, but it sure is relevant to life in general. Perhaps more and more so as I see  how each major life decision narrows down the possible pathways my life can take from this point forward. When I was 24, my future was wide open - the person I would marry, the career path I would chose, and the kind of family I would have, none of it had been decided. Once I committed to graduate school in language acquisition, it pretty much ruled out graduate school in any other field, and once I married Dave, it ruled out marrying anyone else… and so on. Not that one can't change a career (or husband), but it is much less likely to happen, and because I decided to spend my late twenties in school, it means I will never have spent my late twenties hiking the Appalachian Trail. 

While this may all sound depressing, this saying has guided my life in a very good way… like our move to Vermont. Dave and I have always wanted to raise our children in the country, closer to family. When our oldest was approaching school age, we realized this is it, there would be no do-over of where we raised our children. As we weighed the pros and cons of taking the leap to move to Vermont, I could hear my dad saying, "You know, life is not a dress rehearsal…"

Other favorite sayings:

A toy should be 10% toy and 90% child.

Boredom is the best gift you can give your child.

It is better to be 100% with your child 5% of the time than 5% with your child 100% of the time.

There is no such thing as poor weather, just poor dressing.

Worthy of Imitation

"It was not my finest parenting moment…" 

I hear this a lot. I say this a lot. An admission of guilt for not having handled a situation as we might have wanted to, for not having reacted with the grace and wisdom that we are trying to impart to our children. In the Waldorf world, there is a lot of talk about "being worthy of imitation." Given that children are great imitators, we should strive to model the behavior we want to see in our children. I interpret this to include everything from basic table manners to values such as tolerance and kindness. It is a huge responsibility, being worthy of imitation, and it is challenging. I don't have trouble chewing with my mouth closed or modeling respect for others, but I do struggle to maintain a calm, collected demeanor throughout the day while taking care of three small children. I admire Katherine and Clara's teachers who achieve this grace with such ease, but I question the feasibility and desirability of parents modeling ideal behavior all of the time. 

In an ideal world, no one yells in anger, or uses exaggerated sarcasm to display irritation, or stomps about to express dissatisfaction. In an ideal world, impatience would be suppressed when a child dawdles while getting ready for school. But in my reality, after telling my kids to help me clean up the playroom for the third time, I sometimes snap at them in a tone filled with irritation. When my six-year-old interrupts me repeatedly to ask me to help her with something right now, even though I am in the middle of doing something else and have asked her kindly to wait, I might burst out, full of exasperation, "Katherine, stop! I said I will help you when I am done." When I can't take one more squabble over something as inconsequential as who gets to wear the pink slippers, I threaten to take the slippers away and never ever give them back. Not my finest parenting moments. I certainly don't want to hear my kids use that exasperated, irritated tone with me or with each other, or with anyone else for that matter. But to be fair, their behavior can be really annoying, and in life, really annoying behavior has social consequences.

Functioning in society requires gauging others' communicative cues, such as tone used to express irritation and exasperation, and then perhaps adjusting one's behavior accordingly. Part of raising children means preparing them to function in society. Therefore, it would be unnatural for a parent to strive to hide or suppress a natural reaction to annoying behavior.

I do not mean to simply excuse or justify less than ideal behavior. Nor am I proposing that because my children will encounter poor behavior in the world, I'd better prepare them for it my behaving poorly myself from time to time. I firmly believe it is important to treat children with kindness, warmth, and dignity, and I believe parents are role models for children and that responsibility should be taken very seriously. But holding ourselves to the standard of always being worthy of imitation is not realistic, and unwavering calm and control - to the point of masking natural human emotions - may not serve our children well. And therein lies the balance between striving to be worthy of imitation and allowing ourselves to be real.

There will be many "not my finest parenting" moments. But instead of reliving them through admissions of guilt to our friends at the end of the day, we should accept them as part of the learning process for ourselves as parents, and for our children who are learning how to behave and how to process others' behavior.

This moment: Dollhouse Play

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Favorite Saying #4

A toy should be 10% toy and 90% child.

I love this quote and have found it to be so true. The less a toy does, the more my children play with it. The less defined a toy is, the more it is incorporated into their play in different ways. Cardboard boxes, ropes, blankets, and kitchen bowls are the true treasures. 

I am continually surprised - or maybe impressed is the word - at how fluid children's play is and how their props morph right along with them as they move from one scenario to another. A blanket starts out as a blanket, then turns into a sled to pull a little sister across the floor, then serves as the roof to a fort, then becomes a cape - no, a bonnet, for a fairy, then is used as a sack to carry pretend food, then is turned upside down and tied to the pretend food to be dropped from the top of the stairs as a parachute… and on and on.  

A bright red fire truck, complete with ladder, lights and siren? It can only be a fire truck.

Recipe: Moroccan Lentil Soup

This soup is perfect on a cold day, especially after hours of ice skating and snow shoeing. We've made it twice now and love it. It is great with bread, although today we didn't get around to baking (or buying) any... we did find time to make chocolate fudge brownies, though. Priorities.

Here is the soup recipe - taken directly from Eating Well.

INGREDIENTS

• 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 2 cups chopped onions
• 2 cups chopped carrots
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground pepper
• 6 cups vegetable broth or reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 2 cups water
• 3 cups chopped cauliflower (about 1/2 medium)
• 1 3/4 cups lentils
• 1 28-ounce can diced tomatoes
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• 4 cups chopped fresh spinach or one 10-ounce package frozen chopped spinach, thawed
• 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice

PREPARATION

1. Heat oil in a soup pot or Dutch oven over medium heat; add onions and carrots and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 10 minutes. Stir in garlic and cook for 30 seconds. Add cumin, coriander, turmeric, cinnamon and pepper; cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute.
2. Add broth, water, cauliflower, lentils, tomatoes and tomato paste; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, partially covered, stirring occasionally, until the lentils are tender but not mushy, 45 to 55 minutes. Stir in spinach and cook until wilted, 5 minutes.
3. Just before serving, stir in cilantro and lemon juice.

And here is the brownie.

This moment: Big Sister Little Sister

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Favorite Sayings #3

Boredom is the best gift you can give your child.

I just wrote about boredom a few weeks ago, and recently I have heard parents claim their children are bored in kindergarten. I wonder, and maybe even roll my eyes a little, how could a child be bored in kindergarten when their day is filled with play, crafts, stories, music, snack, walks, friends and many other activities? 

It turns out that this "boredom" is not boredom at all, but rather "restlessness," which is a sign that a child is ready to move on to first grade. Who knew?! In a parent evening at Katherine's school this week, the teacher discussed the physical, behavioral and developmental indicators of first grade readiness. The following description was included on the handout under the heading Development of Intention: Dissatisfied with themselves - not sure what to do with themselves - may react with "I'm bored."

Ohhh. This is restlessness, which is not the same as boredom, even though the word boredom may be used by the child (or parent) to describe it. So I'll stop my eye rolling now when I hear of kindergarteners who are "bored" and start observing their behavior to see how exactly this restlessness presents itself in their play and activity. I have a feeling it will be fascinating.

Puffer Belly Song

I have been in DC this past week for work. I love Vermont, but it has been a great joy to wander around my old neighborhood, visit with friends and see their children, and stop in my favorite store and coffee shops (yes, one store, many coffee shops). When I walked by our old playground, I was flooded with memories. For some reason, one in particular stood out. When Katherine was three and a half we went through a phase when leaving the playground was very difficult - as in she never wanted to leave and the four block walk home was torture. I remember feeling paralyzed - with Clara in the wrap, the backpack heavy with water bottle, snack, spare clothes, diapers, etc., and a crying child who refused to walk, what could I do? 

As usual when I face a child challenge, I think about what Katherine's teachers would suggest. A song. Sing a song. Something simple and rhythmic that will calm us both, center us again. The song that was in my head that day - the "Puffer Belly" song, as we now call it - got us home. For months we sang it every time we left the playground… and we made up dance steps to go along with the words. Katherine loved this routine. I had to get over my self-consciousness of singing and dancing down the street, but it beat carrying a kicking and screaming kid all the way home. 

In case you have a three-and-a-half-year old who refuses to walk at inopportune times, here is our song and dance routine:

Down by the station (swing hands forward)
Early in the morning (swing hands backward)
See the little puffer bellies (kid does a twirl at "puffer belly" under mom's arm)
All in a row
See the station master (swing hands forward)
Give the starting signal (swing hands backward)
Puff Puff (stomp each foot once)
Toot toot (do two little hops)
Off they go (run forward several feet together - drag this out and run as far as possible to get home faster)

We tried making up other dances to other songs, but this was always our favorite.

This moment: Cousin J napping

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Favorite Sayings #2

It is better to be 100% present with your child 5% of the time than 5% present 100% of the time.

This saying is always a good reminder for me to take a time out from my to-do list and just sit down and do something with each child each day. I don't always manage and it is a constant challenge to balance the pull to get things done and the importance of being present. I admit I get plenty of 100% time with Alexandra. Every time she nurses, I stop and just sit with her, touch her little hands, look at her round, soft face and marvel at my little baby (ok, clinging to the "little" part). I love that time. It's harder with the big sisters since they are as busy with their play as I am with my agenda, but I love when I do take the time to really be with them. 

This evening I snuggled up with Katherine and read the first chapter of Little House on the Prairie. She is fascinated by the covered wagon and the big sky forming a huge circle around Laura and her family as they travel west across the plains. 

It was the best 5% of my day.

Extra Yarn (Book Review)

Extra Yarn is our new favorite book. It is a story about a little girl who has a magic box of yarn that never runs out. She knits sweaters for the whole town, including pick-up trucks. But an arch duke hears of her magic box and wants it for himself...

It is a lovely story about beautiful colors in winter, and goodness in the world. A perfect book for knitters and their children.

This moment: Baby in a basket

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Favorite Sayings

At the risk of being cheesy, I thought I'd do a mini-series on my top five favorite sayings. These are sayings I think about daily and they serve as a guide for me in parenting, and life in general. Since it is -13 degrees today, I'll start with this one:

There is no such thing as poor weather, just poor dressing.

I first heard it from my friend Emily, and I think it originally came from a Waldorf educator somewhere in Scandinavia. As someone who gets cold hands and feet as soon as it dips below 40 degrees, I'm not always sure I agree with it, but I try. I love the message that there is no excuse for not going outside every day. Anytime I find myself leaning towards not taking the kids out (usually in rainy 35 degrees weather), I call up this saying and figure out what I need to wear to be warm. Often it requires a thermos of coffee. Interestingly, I find the kids are rarely deterred by the weather, as if they barely notice it. They play just as hard on a cold, wet day as they do on a warm, sunny day - as long as I motivate to get them outside!

Curative Story: Apologizing

Once upon a time there was a bird called Anna bird. She lived in a tree with her mama bird, daddy bird, and big sister, Millie bird. Anna loved to play with her big sister, Millie. One of their favorite games was to twirl. Round and round and round until they were so dizzy the whole world was spinning. Because their nest was small, there wasn't enough room for two birds to twirl at the same time. So Anna bird and Millie bird had to take turns. Anna would perch on the edge of the nest while Millie twirled, then they would switch, and Millie would perch while Anna twirled. 

One day, Anna and Millie were twirling. Millie had just finished her turn when Anna jumped down from her perch. Before Millie could get out of the way, Anna spread out her wings, tweeted with delight and spun herself into a magnificent twirl. Suddenly, she heard a cry, "Ow!" Anna bird stopped twirling, and there on the floor of the nest was Millie bird, crying. "You hit me!" she cried. "I did not!" said Anna bird. She had been twirling so fast that she did not even realize she had bopped Millie, who had not had time to hop up to her perch. "You did too and it hurts! Mom! Anna hit me!" Anna bird frowned as Millie cried.  

"What is going on girls?" Mama bird asked as she came fluttering into the nest. "Anna bird hit me," Millie said, still crying. Anna bird just stood there. "Anna," said Mama bird, "did you hit Millie?" Anna did not answer. She had not meant to hit Millie, she felt sad that Millie was hurt. But she did not know what to say to her mom or her sister. Mama bird wrapped her wings around both of her little birds. "Anna, you may give Millie a hug and ask her if she is ok. That will help her to feel better." So Anna took a step closer to Millie and looked at Millie's feet, "Are you ok Millie?" she asked. Mama bird said, "Millie, you may tell your sister that you are ok." "Yes, Anna, I'm ok." "Good," said Mama bird. "Now, you birds may twirl in the grass below the tree, not in the nest. It is too small and someone will get hurt." 

Anna bird and Millie bird looked at each other and smiled. They were ready to twirl again. They hopped out of the nest and fluttered down to the soft grass. Under the tree, there was plenty of room for them to twirl at the same time. They twirled and twirled until they fell in the grass laughing. "I am sorry I hit you, Millie," Anna bird said. "That's ok," answered Millie. "I know it was an accident and I'm ok." Anna gave Millie a big hug, she was glad that Millie was ok.

This Moment: Sweeping the "ice rink"

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Developmental Psychology

In another part of my life, I do research in second language acquisition (how adults learn foreign language); a cross between linguistics and cognitive psychology. My research is on adults, but when Katherine was younger (before her sisters arrived and I had only one nap schedule to coordinate) I signed her up to participate in linguistic and psychology experiments on campus. These experiments were always interesting for me and fun for Katherine. I enjoyed learning about the research design, how experiments are carried out with children, how children's behavior is observed, and of course, the results when the studies are published. Katherine enjoyed the puppets and simple stories designed to present and elicit the target language or behavior of the study.

A friend of mine recently started a blog, My First Theory, that outlines simple experiments you can conduct at home to observe your child's development:

There are a lot of books that tell you how children develop.  But, through this blog, I want to show you, in a way that you can re-create at home, some of the most interesting studies that researchers have designed to illuminate how children are learning.  During my time as a graduate student in developmental psychology, I marveled both at the kinds of skills that young children were learning and the innovative, yet elegant ways that many researchers were testing them.  Since then, I’ve thought about compiling these studies chronologically so that I could use them to learn about my own future children’s development.  In talking with the parents who generously volunteered to bring their children into campus labs to participate in research, I found that many parents are interested in learning about these studies as well, but may not be familiar with them.

If you are intrigued, head on over to My First Theory and check out some of the experiments. And have fun!

Chai Tea Bread

A while back I decided I would make January bread-making month as a way to fight the post-holiday doldrums. But with all the snow, January has been full of outside activities and there has been no bread-making... until yesterday. I finally made the one recipe I really wanted to try: Chai Tea Bread. 

It was delicious.

Bread

• 1/2 cup butter
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 eggs
• 3 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 cup prepared black tea, cooled
• 1/3 cup milk
• 1/4 tsp cardamom
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/8 tsp cloves
• 3/4 tsp nutmeg
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 cups flour

Glaze*

• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 1/4 tsp vanilla
• 3-6 tsp prepared black tea
• cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350. Cream sugar and butter. Beat in eggs, tea, milk, vanilla and spices. Add baking powder, salt, and flour. Pour into greased bread pan. Bake for 50 minutes. Mix together glaze ingredients, drizzle over bread.

*I used half the glaze recipe and it was fine

This moment: Watching

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Two school girls

I now have TWO school girls, which means one day a week I have an entire morning alone with the baby! Hmm, how to spend it…

A trip to town for a latte and a walk through the park, maybe a stop in the bookstore?

A snowshoe in the woods behind our house?

Or maybe a morning nap together?

Oh, I will enjoy this.

Boredom

“Boredom is the best gift you can give your child”

This is one of my favorite sayings – I first heard it from a parent at Katherine’s school a few years ago. Now, I call on this saying regularly to guide our own daily and weekly rhythm.

I think the topic of boredom is especially relevant after the holidays. The last two months have been filled with holiday activities: cooking and baking, making gifts, holiday crafts, decorating, neighborhood and school celebrations… it seems that every weekend had at least one activity or event and afternoons were easily filled with creative projects. We are still enjoying a few activities that we didn’t want to rush or squeeze in before the New Year, but mostly the holiday season is over, and the next two months on the calendar are empty. We are falling back into our regular routine.

Early afternoon is our downtime, and while I had been using this time to have Katherine help me with holiday projects, I now have nothing planned: no ornaments to make, no cards to draw, no errands to run, no cleaning projects (although maybe I should put this one on the schedule). We are just home, doing nothing. While Clara naps and Alexandra may or may not nap (that is another post), Katherine has her quiet time in the living room. Typically, she’ll wander into the kitchen once or twice and ask me to read to her, or help her build something, or let Alexandra play with her. My response is always the same: “No, it is your quiet time, you may play by yourself or rest.” She accepts this and makes her way back to the living room, alone. I sometimes feel guilty for insisting she play by herself when I could easily spend this time with her, but I know I also need this midday break. So I hold firm and remind myself that it is fine to leave Katherine to entertain herself. Boredom is the best gift I can give my children.

Left with nothing to do and no one to play with, Katherine is at her most creative. Two hours will go by and she is still deeply engaged in whatever project she has set up for herself. Intricate drawings, puppet shows, pretend reading to her dolls, singing songs, preparing a birthday party complete with meal, cake, and games for the children, constructing and coloring a book… she comes up with activities far more creative and thoughtful than I could ever provide for her. Once she is on a roll, I can walk right through the living room with a screaming Alexandra and she barely looks up. When she is done, she is satisfied. She tells me all about her work as if she has just returned home from an afternoon somewhere else. She is ready to play with Clara, I have had the break I needed, and we are ready for late afternoon activity before we come in again for the evening.

The transition back to quiet time after the holidays has been a bit rough. Katherine and I have both gotten used to spending quiet time together. The last few days she has been reluctant to play by herself.  She’ll ask several times if I will play with her, linger in the doorway, drag her feet, even sulk and whine. I myself waver between wanting to spend that time with her and wanting my own quiet time routine back. So I call upon my favorite saying… and remember that because I often give my children the opportunity for boredom, they are rarely bored.

If you would like to read more about research on the benefits of boredom, check out this article (thanks to Moogielight for recommending it).

A quiet time project... not sure what, but created out of the paper recycle bin.