The Challenge of Three

When my sister and I were growing up, our parents always made sure we each had one-on-one time with them. A trip (on the commuter train!) to the city to go window shopping, a long bike ride to the Botanic Gardens, a quick outing to get a chocolate malt at the best chocolate malt place ever, an evening walk. These outings were treasured time. We looked forward to our “time alone” and it provided a standing occasion for us to open up and talk about whatever we wanted. I credit “time alone” for the good relationship I had with my parents throughout childhood, even especially during those crappy teenage years. It’s important to me to establish time alone as part of the routine with my own children. But we’re failing miserably and I’ve decided that is my challenge of three.

As a friend said of having three, “Someone always needs something.” At first, this statement rang true on a logistical level.  “I need help with my socks!” “Nowww can we go biking?” “I want an apple, you said I could have an apple!” “I have to pee! I’m peeing!!” The requests come one after another, with pockets of quiet play lasting just long enough for me to start making plans. Cinnamon rolls, I could make cinnamon rolls. Tea! I’ll sit down and have a cup of tea! I may even get as far as melting the butter. Then, someone needs something, the butter hardens in the pot and the tea sits black and cold on the counter. 

But the logistics are manageable now, thanks to my excellent one-handed nursing, dressing, feeding, and wiping skills. I may not get to drink my tea, but I can meet those needs. The true challenge is that everyone wants and needs time alone with mom or dad. Alexandra, the all-night nursing monster, gets plenty of one-on-one with me. But for Katherine and Clara, it is trickier. We do find time alone with each of them - a hike in the woods, a walk to the cafe, an art project in the afternoon - but it is not regular and they can’t count it. I sense their anxiety in not knowing when they will have their time. I see, and share, their sadness when our time alone comes to an end, wondering when we’ll find another moment for just the two of us. Building it into the routine would be reassuring to them, and I suspect it would help on the sibling rivalry front, as well. 

But putting time alone for each child into the schedule is hard. Our weekday routine already feels full with work and school, which makes weekends our best bet for solo-kid outings. But I have to admit, it is hard for us parents to sacrifice the only time we have to parent together. Plus, family outings are fun, a time for us to all connect after a week of juggling schedules.

And so this is our challenge with three. Please, parents of many, share how you manage time alone with each child?

This moment - Breakfast

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Recipe: Sweet Potato & Black Bean Stew

Adapted from Vegetarian Cooking, this is a favorite in fall and winter. 

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 medium onion, thinly sliced

1/4 cup peanut butter

1 teaspoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

3 sweet potatoes

4 cups (or 2 cans) diced tomatoes

4 cups (or 2 cans) black beans

2 cups corn

 

In large pot, cook onion in oil until tender. Add in remaining ingredients. Heat to boiling, then reduce heat and let simmer for 20 minutes, or until sweet potatoes are tender. Serve with brown rice or couscous. 

Because I forgot to take a picture of it earlier, here it is in the lunch-tomorrow-tupperware.

This moment - The Grove

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Halloween Costumes Part I

In my mind I have lots of grand sewing projects, but I never carry them out, or even start them for that matter. I blame it on the fact that I don’t have a sewing machine, or a sewing room, or a sewing day… lots of excuses. But every Halloween I pull it together and get crafty. I have this thing about making Halloween costumes and I like that once a year sewing becomes a priority. 

This year Katherine wants to be a “Halloween Witch” and Clara requested a “Green Puppy Dog” costume. Katherine picked out some fancy Halloween fabric for a twirly skirt. She’s hoping my effort this year will result in a proper twirly skirt since last year’s Yellow Fairy skirt didn’t end up twirly enough. Clara will get felt ears and paws and a finger-knit tail temporarily sewn onto a green hooded sweatshirt. She also wants a collar (made out of the fancy fabric she picked out) and a leash so the witch can “walk her.” I’m thinking about that one. Alexandra will be a cute little teddy bear and simply wear her LL Bean fleece coveralls that happen to have ears. 

I’m not sure these qualify as “grand sewing projects,” but it is fun to put them together and the girls enjoy the process. 

Here are tonight’s efforts. I can already tell the skirt will fail on the twirly front.

Pets & Owners

As a follow-up to last week’s post on Giving, I thought I’d share this wonderful new blog, Pets & Owners.

Fostering or adopting a pet is a wonderful way for children to help care for animals who need a home. It can teach children responsibility, compassion, and respect for other living creatures. Plus the whole family benefits from the joy a pet can bring to a home, from stress relief and exercise to a soft, loyal friend. I’ve always said a purring cat on my lap can get me out of just about any funk. 

Head on over and read happy stories about rescued pets and their owners. Send in your own pet’s story! You might even see this fine fellow featured there one of these days.

Giving

I’ve mentioned before that I love the blog Rage Against the Minivan. Kristen is a great writer and funny. Really funny. She describes herself as a social activist and is passionate about her causes. She is one of those people who goes out and does something. She gives. 

I am passionate about a lot of things, but it tends to manifest itself in the form of strong opinions, judgments and rants. I rarely do anything. Every once in a while I’ll have a burst of generosity and give. Like the time we sponsored a goat whose milk goes to a homeless shelter, or my occasional contribution to friends’ fundraising efforts. But these are all small-scale, one-time donations. I have never made an effort to find my own cause and really commit to it. I would like to change that, and more importantly, I want my children to feel responsibility for caring for our world.

I’m not quite sure what this responsibility should look like or how and at what age it should be communicated to children. My own hesitation stems from a combination of feeling like I can’t make a difference and feeling overwhelmed by the injustices in life. How can a parent communicate the concepts behind charity and also empower a child in a way that is age appropriate? 

I don’t want to burden my young children with the knowledge of homelessness, poverty, hunger. A child with no family. A tortured and abandoned animal. A family who has lost everything. Disease. How will they understand that? Is it right to put that on a child at age five? Six? What effect does it have on a young child to know the realities of the world? 

These early years should be filled with wonder, joy, and beauty. If children grow up to cherish these qualities in life, then as adults they will fight to preserve them - for themselves and for others. But I do think community service in some form should be a part of early childhood. How does one foster compassion and a spirit of giving in a young child without asking them to carry the knowledge of devastation? 

Kristen has each of her children sponsor a child. They exchange letters, learn about each other’s culture, and develop a relationship. This seems like a nice balance. Caring for an animal that needs a home. Preparing meals for a family in need. These seem like small, but meaningful ways to engage children in caring for our world. Perhaps it is possible to keep the reality simple and matter of fact so that the child can help give while the parent carries the burden. 

I hope as my children get older it will become obvious when they are cognitively ready to take on some of the burden themselves, and simultaneously become more capable of giving.

What do you do to foster a sense of charity in young children? How do you engage your children in caring for our world? 

This moment: Afternoon hike

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Ungrounded

I’m looking for a word to describe where I am. Ungrounded is the word I think I want, but the dictionary defines it as having no basis or justification; unfounded. That isn’t quite right. The word I want is the opposite of grounded, but antonyms of grounded include afloat, adrift, drifting. Those aren’t quite right either. 

We have been in Vermont for seven weeks and it has been everything we hoped it would be. Ideals rarely live up to expectations, especially when the ideal becomes the be all end all and obscures reality. Yet Vermont’s reality matches our ideal. Perhaps we (finally) have some life wisdom and were able to manage our expectations of this ideal over the years. Or perhaps any outdoorsy place with trees and hills would have done after the intensity of our city life. Regardless, we got here and, against the odds, it is exactly what we thought it would be. 

But at the same time that I feel overwhelming relief to have finally arrived here, I find myself in that strange space in between novelty and home. The drive to Katherine’s school is routine now and I anticipate the curves in the road. If I turn down a dirt road I can generally orient myself by the main road I come out on; I have many “Oh, I know where we are!”s. People continue to be helpful, easy going, friendly, but now my pleasant surprise is an afterthought, no longer worthy of exclamation. The intensity of the newness has faded into the background. But it does not yet feel like home. 

It feels like it will be home, but it is not yet. At home I knew how our street looked through all seasons. With the arrival of fall I looked forward to that one maple tree at the playground turning a fiery red, all aglow as the sun set on it. I knew what friends to expect at the park on a cold and wet winter afternoon. I knew where all the best spring gardens were in the neighborhood.

In the midst of fall here, what was a familiar view of green from our front door two weeks ago is now a completely different scene of empty trees thinly revealing the mountains in the distance. I did not expect that. My surroundings fluctuate between familiar and novel and I have no idea what will come next, leaving me feeling ungrounded.

I find myself longing for our old apartment (the one I couldn’t wait to get out of) because it holds six years of memories. Despite all I didn’t like about city life, we were grounded there. If I could just slip back into our old living room for 15 minutes, the familiarity would steady me. My eyes would not have to adjust, I would not have to look twice at the crayon mark on the wall or the leaf collage hanging in the window. I would probably not even see them. They would not take any energy. 

I’ve been told it takes a year to adjust to a major life change. A cycle of seasons. Next year we will have memories mixed in. I will be able to look at the trees and see their beauty without it also being new. The familiar will steady me.

Slowly we will become grounded here. But in the meantime, I am left ungrounded.

BLW... a follow-up

A few weeks ago my sister wrote a guest post on Baby Led Weaning. We have been following this method with Alexandra for several weeks now. I love the idea and rationale behing BLW. It just makes sense to me. But I have to admit it isn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be. 

Our first challenge was where to sit Alexandra during meals. She still isn’t sitting up on her own - the kid crawls, climbs stairs, and pulls herself to standing using anything available, but she has never gotten herself into to a sitting position (strange, right?). Since I don’t like the idea of putting babies in a chair before they are able to attain and hold a sitting position on their own, we started off by holding Alexandra on our laps during meals. However, she is super squirmy and seems to prefer eating upside down. She will twist and turn and arch until she is leaning way back, and then cackle with delight. Plus she is strong and it takes both arms to hold her in a position suitable for eating, making it impossible for the holder to eat his/her meal. We ended up putting her in a high chair. It isn’t great since she is tippy, but tippy is better than upside down. And Dave and I want to eat too.

Our second challenge is that she gags on everything. She gnaws on her food, softening it up quite nicely just as she is supposed to, but then she gags. And gags and gags. It is awful to watch. I know her gag reflex is forward so the food is not actually threatening to choke her, and I know she’ll get it out on her own, but I just can’t get used to the gagging. It is not at all relaxing. 

Our third challenge is what to give her at the table. It often seems our meals aren’t quite right for her… nuts (we eat a lot of nuts), soup (which she can’t really manage on her own), small bits and pieces (like beans), or uncooked vegetables that are way too hard for her to deal with (although they are great for teething). We end up giving her bread, cheese, and vegetables meal after meal when we get the impression from BLW that she is supposed to be eating what we are eating. What are we missing here?

But despite these challenges, Alexandra does love mealtime. She enjoys handling her food and trying everything. That is the point, right? As for the weaning part… well, she is not leading in that direction yet. 

What are your experiences with BLW? Do you have any advice for us?

(Alexandra has no idea she has broccoli hanging out of her mouth… it was there for a long time.)

  

This moment: On the move

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Recipe: Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cookie Scones

This cookie is my proof that chocolate really does go with everything. I call them cookie scones because they are not super sweet and hold a nice thick shape. Plus, you can make them with whole wheat flour and dark chocolate chips and pretend they are healthy. Throw in a little extra pumpkin and you should be eating these! 

• 2 cups pumpkin
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup oil
• 1/4 - 1/3 cup agave (or 3/4 - 1 cup sugar)
• 4 teaspoons baking powder
• 4 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons milk
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• 1 - 2 cups chocolate chips

Blend pumpkin, eggs, oil and agave/sugar. In separate bowl, mix baking powder, flour, salt, and cinnamon. In a little dish, dissolve baking soda and milk. Combine all. Add vanilla and chocolate chips.  Drop cookies onto baking sheet. Bake at 370 for 10-12 minutes. (This is the doubled version because they disappear so quickly)

Even Alfred cat likes them.

Too many toys!

When we were preparing to move to Vermont, Dave and I divided up the work. I declared I would pack all the toys. I packed two boxes and then decided it probably made the most sense for me to take the kids to stay with family for a week and let Dave do all the packing and moving (it’s up for debate who had the easier job: Dave packing and moving all by himself for five days or traveling for five days with three small children). Anyway, I pride myself in keeping the number of toys we have to a minimum, but those two boxes barely made a dent. So when we arrived here we only unpacked about a quarter of the toys, following Kim John Payne’s advice to get rid of half of the toys, and then get rid of half again. It has been interesting observing how this decrease has (not) affected the kids’ play. 

First, I don’t even think the kids notice that three quarters of their toys are gone. I’m sure it helps that we are in a new place so the absence of certain beloved items isn’t as obvious. The fairy wings aren’t missing from their spot because they have never had a spot here. 

Second, they seem to treasure little things even more. I didn’t unpack their collection of race cars, but two emerged from the depths of an old backpack one afternoon and Katherine and Clara have discovered the simple joy of racing their little cars for hours. I don’t remember this happening when we had the whole box out.

Third, they fight over stuff just as much as they did before. More toys, fewer toys… doesn’t matter. They’ll find something to fight about. The only time they never fight is when they are outside and there are no toys. 

Fourth, they’ll create what they need for their play out of other stuff. Like cardboard boxes and paper. Katherine has always made what she is lacking out of paper, from swords to jewelry, ice skates to scooters… all the things other kids have that we deny her (and then eventually give in to because it’s kind of sad when her cardboard scooter doesn’t hold up on the sidewalk outside). She continues her paper creations to fill in whatever she needs. Lately it has been paper money and coins for “tolls.” 

Fifth, they know there are a bunch of half unpacked boxes in the spare room and once in a while they sneak in to take a peak. If they spot something they want, they beg and beg for it. It would be really annoying, but it reassures me that my plan to swap in these toys on really cold winter days is a good one.  

Sixth, all three girls are perfectly content with their play. It doesn’t seem like the toys have a lot to do with it.

Finally, despite having only one quarter of the toys, they still manage to make a complete mess.  

Nursing Monster

If you are wondering why I’m coasting along with little stories, poems (not my own), and “this moment”s, it is because I have created - for the third time - a nursing monster. No need to go into why this happens with each kid. It is obvious. Despite having read the sleep books and watched other frustrated parents in the same situation (and generously offered my hypocritical advise), I am weak and always go for the easy, quick-fix, solution: nurse the crying baby. 

So now I can’t get anything done in the evening.

My nursing monster insists on nursing every 30 minutes from 8pm - 12am, and then every 2-3 hours until 7am. If I don’t oblige, she cries her saddest cry. She also has an “efficiency sensor.” Actually, all my kids have this, but it seems to kick in at about 6 months. As soon as I am actually getting something done, her little sensor goes off and wakes her up. Only nursing will turn it off again.

Maybe there is some kind of sleep training that would work if we really committed to it. But I already know we won’t do that. We’ll just wait it out. Besides, she is so warm and snuggly, and soon she’ll be five and all knees and elbows and snuggling won’t be the same. 

So, my sweet little nursing monster. Unproductive evenings, sleepless nights, and caffeinated days it is. And lots of picture posts.

Good thing you are so cute (even when you are blurry).

This moment: Two girls in a box

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Apple Poem

This is one of my favorite seasonal poems. I first learned it in a parent-toddler class with Katherine. The teacher recited it using a basket filled with green, yellow, and red silks and apples as her props. She slowly revealed the apples from under the silks and the children sat in silence, mesmerized by the words and movement. 

There are several variations, and I think it is also a song. Here is the one we enjoy in our home.

“What hue shall my apples be?”
Asked the little apple tree.
“That is easy to decide;
Make them green,” the grasses cried.
But the crimson roses said,
“We should like to have them red,”
While the dandelions confessed
Yellow seemed to them the best.

When the apples all were ripe,
Many wore a yellow stripe.
Some were red and some were seen,
dressed in coats of softest green.

 

(Ideally one would also have a red silk and a green apple… I’ve been putting off posting this poem for weeks thinking I’d somehow acquire those things, but alas, I did not and I’m impatient and wanted to share. So here you see a quality yellow silk, green mesh, and three red apples - one with a sort-of yellow stripe. But you get the idea.)

Curative Story: Kindness

Once upon a time there was a bunny, and her name was Molly bunny. She lived in the forest with her mama bunny and her daddy bunny. She was a good little bunny, cheerful and kind. But sometimes she lost her kindness. Usually, when she lost her kindness, she found it quickly, under her bed or behind the couch. But sometimes it would take a long time to find it. Those days were not fun for anyone.

One day, Molly bunny was playing in the garden, jumping rope, and climbing trees. When she went inside for lunch, she realized she had lost her kindness. She was not cheerful and kind. She felt grumpy and mean. Her eyes did not sparkle and her hop was slow and sluggish.

At the lunch table, Molly bunny frowned at her sandwich, “Yuck. I don’t like this lunch!” she said ungratefully. After she had picked at her sandwich, she demand more water in an unkind voice. “More water!” She didn’t even say “please.” 

Later, when she was playing with her friend Agoo the chipmunk, she didn’t feel like sharing her chalk. “It’s mine and you can’t use it,” she said sharply, and then added, “All you do is scribble scrabble anyway.” 

Before dinner, Mama bunny asked Molly bunny to put away her toys and books. “No, I won’t do it. I don’t have to!” said Molly bunny, stomping her foot. 

Mama bunny looked sadly at Molly bunny. “Molly bunny, you need to find your kindness. Come. I will help you look for it.” Together they looked for Molly bunny’s kindness. They looked under her bed and behind the couch, but it wasn’t there. They looked behind the front door and in the closet, but it wasn’t there. They looked outside, up in the tree and in the bush branches. They couldn’t find it anywhere. Finally, Molly bunny gave up. “I’ll never find it, and I don’t care!” she exclaimed, sticking her hands in her pockets. But her fingers felt something in her pocket… she pulled out her smooth, soft, shiny kindness! It had been in her pocket all along! Suddenly she smiled. Her eyes sparkled and she hopped high into the air. “I found it!” she shouted with delight.

That night at dinner, she thanked her mama for dinner, “Thank you for preparing this nice meal!” The next morning, she ran to Agoo’s house and gave him a box of chalk. “Agoo! Come draw with me, let’s draw something beautiful together!” And before dinner, she put away all her toys and books while singing her favorite song. She was a happy bunny, cheerful and full of kindness.

This moment: Diggin'

From Soulemama: A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Recipe: Apple Crisp

Autumn is here!

Everyone has a favorite apple crisp recipe. Here is ours, inspired by Angela’s Morning Glory class.

4 cups chopped apple

1 1/4 rolled oats

3/4 cup flour (or 3/4 cup finely ground almonds and walnuts)

1/3 cup oil (or 1/4 cup if using almonds and walnuts)

1/3 cup maple syrup

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 teaspoons cinnamon

Spread apples on bottom of pan, with a little water. Mix oats, flour (or nuts), syrup, vanilla, and cinnamon and spread over apples. Bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes.

Inside All (Book)

A gift from a dear friend and now a favorite, Inside All is a beautiful story about our place in the universe. The summary on the back of the book describes it best:

…Inside All takes the reader on a nesting doll-like journey, from the glowing edges of the universe into the warm heart of a sleeping child at bedtime, where we discover, not something small, but something huge…

Written by Margaret H. Mason and illustrated by Holly Wlech, this book has beautiful images, through both its words and pictures.